March 1, 2014

Well I’m sick, might be pneumonia, yikes, it sucks cause I’m a smoker and my lungs hurt but I’m so addicted to these dang smokes that I can’t resist the urge to smoke. Aside from that I think I’m slowly going mad. I can’t handle things anymore the way I used to be able to. I feel like I’m weak, and pathetic. I have no control over my emotions anymore, I just flip out, then hate myself next. So I’m a monster it seems. I’m so confused. When they lived with my mom they endured a lot of mental and emotional head games. They were so young and I am starting to think that they learned some of that craziness from her. She’s a strong woman but in her own way, she is mentally I’ll I believe. I wish she would have sought help. The scary part is wondering whether or not they believe these head games they play with me are normal or not. Please Lord I hope not! Its literally screwing with me bad. I’m depressed, I have lost hope and interest in just about everything. I feel like the best part of my life has already passed, and now this is what’s left. This past week has been especially rough. My boy pretty much dried out so his skitzo issues are fading. But he is on this disability kick. I dont even know anymore what to believe because ive been played by my kids so much. He isusing his head issues for an excuse out of everything. He came home with a plan,but refuses to do anything to get closer to his goal. He wants me to do it because he says that will make it look even better. I can’t stand it. All the deceit and games and lies. On top of that, nobody in this house ever smiles anymore, not real smiles at least. They smile every once in awhile when they get something or win an argument, but those don’t count. What happened to the days when just being to get her was tolerable, let alone nice? I miss the days I could see the light, actually breath and relax, and feel joy. But its all so faded now. I feel as though the disrespect is the main issue in our family. They take each others things and mine without even asking, even if they have been told no a thousand times. Respecting each others feelings too. They embarrass each other in front of there friends, and say the most hurtful things to each other. They tell me and their dad to fuck off a lot and don’t ever keep their promises. Its dark and gloomy in this house, lots of negative energy here. It is consuming me. If something don’t change soon I fear it will be there end of our family. I can’t go on putting myself out there to get beat up.I have to stop worrying if this is gonna mess with them, or that’s gonna hurt their feelings. I gotta just say no.

I am a mother of three teenagers, been married since I was 17, I’m 36 now. Sometimes I feel like I might be going insane, but can never be sure. My family is broken. I come from a line of mental illness. I’ve struggled with addictions all my life, just trying to get away from the reality of things. Its very hard for me, being a cancer, a sign who is most passionate about family.

Screw it. I have so many things I want to blog about and can’t figure out how to manage everything. Gonna take a break. I feel the need to get some of my thoughts out of my head, so from now on this is me.